Updates! I’ve gone gold and worldwide

I’m an awful person, it’s been almost a week since I posted. But I can make up for it! First, lame excuse: I was camping, which is why I couldn’t blog. I normally get very twitchy when my cell phone reception drops to two bars, so being entirely out of reception for a full four days was almost too much for me. I did end up in a hospital, although for an ear infection, not for withdrawals.

I’ll add in here, I don’t like to camp. I have never liked to camp, and I possibly may never grow to like camping. Somehow, though, my entire family got the impression that I did like to camp, and yearly, when the moon is high, we sacrifice a virgin on the hood of our car, and leave for some god-forsaken campground. If I went camping and had electricity, running water, a nice bed, CELLPHONE RECEPTION and a relatively normal stockpile of food, I would like camping. Clearly, I went without any of these things.

But! There is good news here. When I returned home, after showering twice, I logged into this blog I run, and lo and behold! I don’t want to brag, but we (I say ‘we’ because you, reader, are involved) have hit fifty unique views, per day. If that weren’t enough, not only am I viewed in my beautiful country of Canada, I am being read in Mexico, Brazil, the Phillipines, the United Kingdom, and the United States. So, hello, hola, hoy, good-day, and howdy (I needed to be cheeky for that last one). I can’t even describe the feeling I get when I think that fifty people somewhere in the world are reading the nonsense that I unleash on the web. Thank you all, and here’s to another fifty.

Wait, there’s more! I made a promise to myself last year. Some people, they want to quit smoking, others want to lose weight. I wanted to get a gold card. What is a gold card, you ask? Starbucks allows its customers to register their gift cards online and continually reload those cards, and with every drink you buy, you get a star on your account. If you read 15 stars, you have green status, which I believe entitles you to free syrups and refills. Don’t quote me on that. HOWEVER. If you get 30 stars in one year, then you are awarded with gold status and something magical happens. In terms of perks, you get a free drink now and again, and some other stuff, blah blah blah, if you’re interested, please go see Starbucks. The best part of gold status is that Starbucks will create a personalized gold coloured gift card for you, with your name on it, and mail it to you. I decided last year that I wanted to have a gold card, so I bought drinks occasionally, and by December 15, I had 28 stars! However, in my foolishness, I didn’t know that the stars were wiped at the end of the year, and I didn’t make it to 30 on time. I swore to myself that I would do whatever it took to get a gold card, and this year, I accomplished that goal (it was entirely worth the 60$ I spent on coffee).

I have no intention of going to Starbucks as frequently now, because I have what I want, but I plan to whip out this card as often as possible, because loyalty has its rewards.

I will publish the next part of the rant tomorrow, but in the meantime, thank you to my readers, you’re the best.

(But you already knew that.)

1800 Unique Views & Thank you!

1800 Unique Views & Thank you!

1800 Unique Views & Thank you!

I just want to thank everyone who’s ever come to visit this website, it makes me feel like someone is actually listening ;).

Here’s to the next 1800!

(no idea what that alcohol is, I just thought the number was fitting)

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Woodcutting

Jack and Jill lived at the edge of a forest, in a great city. The city was the centre of trade for the region, a veritable hub for all life, and its forest was nature’s last bastion. Every morning, Jack would traverse the edge of the forest to get to work. He was a lumberjack. His Majesty’s carpenters were clearing a chunk from the forest for a new throne; it would not be sorely missed, the forest covered close to a thousand square miles. Jill stayed home every day, save for a trip just into the forest, to pick apples for her pies.

Jack worked hard, because he had to. Though he had a job for now, many in the area were very poor. Work was scarce, and those who had jobs clung to them, for their family’s sake. Occasionally, on his breaks, Jack would hear the local children telling ghost stories about the monsters that lived in the forest, saying that they stole little girls to make them their brides. Jack knew that this was just a fairy tale, but he did not know that deep in his subconscious, he was just as fearful as the children were. No one had ever crossed the length of the forest; even His Majesty refused to go more than 200 yards into the woods.

When Jack returned home one evening, he found his home empty. An apple pie sat on the windowsill, still warm, so he knew that Jill hadn’t been gone long. It was getting dark, and Jack was beginning to worry. He left for town, to see if she might be there. He searched the market, looking for his beloved, but the crowds were beginning to dwindle. As the sun finally set, Jack went off in search of the Guard Captain. When Jack informed him of his fiancee’s disappearance, the Guard Captain said that he would commit every available man to Jill’s search, and then told Jack to try and go home to sleep.

Morning came, but Jill did not. Jack was petrified at the thought of losing his fiancee, and decided that he must look for her himself; his work could wait. He knew that it would likely mean he would lose his job, but why would he need to work without a warm heart in his home? As he exited the house, a guardsman jogged over to him, saying that he had seen marks leading into the forest, as if someone had been dragged. Jack’s heart sank. He found the tracks himself, but following them into the forest was futile. He knew what he had to do.

A few hours later, he returned, ax in hand. He would cut down the entire forest if he had to, but he would find his fiancee. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and weeks into a months. Jack was making progress, but with every tree he felled, his heart drooped lower. He began to console himself, turning the effort into recovering the body, instead of finding his love.

Fall was ending, and the air was crisp with winter. Jack had cut a thirty mile long path into the forest. He originally had carried the felled wood back to his home, but all four walls of the house were lined, now. He stopped only to eat and sleep, though he had not slept in his own bed in months. And then one day, he found her.

She looked tired, but still as beautiful as she ever was. Her hair had matted in places, and her clothing had torn. She looked thin. Jack dropped his ax and ran to his love, calling her name aloud. She turned and had a confused disposition. Then her eyes lit up, but not in the way Jack had expected. She did not remember him. She was excited to see another human, but she did not return his touch, she repelled it.

Jack explained to her who he was, and what he had done to find her. Jill looked behind him, seeing a clear path cut through the trees. It took a few repetitious moments, but she began to remember. Though she was still not happy to see him.

Jack carried his fiancee home, and she slept. He was weak, tired, and broken. He had cut down every tree in his path for the past eight months, and yet still had to convince his fiancee to leave the forest with him. He laid her in bed, and she slept for days.

Jack did end up finding another job, and Jill eventually treated her return to domestication with civility. Though one morning, Jill rose to wash, only to find her now-husband dead, still in bed. She stood over him, watching his pale face, and for the first time since her departure from the forest, longed for the warmth of her lover.

My Little Donut Hole <3

My Little Donut Hole <3

<img src="https://justingreek.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/the-love-story-of-a-donut-and-his-hole.jpg" alt="My Little Donut Hole

It’s like they’re a perfect fit or something!

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The Rant: Breathe-Eating

Never mind, the rant begins now. I just want all of you to know that I had every intention of going to sleep, but then I began to fume, and I just knew that I had to write it down.

I encourage all of you to tell me if I’m weird or crazy or whatever, but, I don’t breathe when I eat. Whenever I’m eating, and whatever I’m eating, I hold my breath, take a small enough bite/slurp/whatever so that I don’t look like a slob, and then once I have swallowed, I take another breath. Is this weird? Probably. But I’ll tell you one thing: I don’t sound like a train trying to make its way up a hill.

Most of my family breathes when they eat. To demonstrate, it’s something along the lines of: “snsnnnnnn *chew* *chew* *chew* snnnnsnsnsnsnsnnsn”, rinse and repeat. I had a friend once (and only once ;P), whose dad breathed when he ate, too. I don’t know what it is, but it literally makes my blood boil! I cannot stand the sound of  breathing noisily while eating. If you’re one of those people who breathes silently, then that’s fine, but I’m sure you all remember some moment when you would be sitting at the table, eating, and some other person comes and sits down, but they have a cold. And then the breathing through one nostril begins, and they’re trying to eat, and “LOOK HONEY, YOU CAN HEAR THAT TRAIN TRYING TO GO UP THE MOUNTAIN AGAIN.”

Maybe this is how serial killers get their start, but I take pride in the fact that I eat silently, and I intend to train my potential children to do that, too.